Anyone who has grown in an atmosphere of hidden or obvious violence, sooner or later reviews his attitude to the past. How to stop blaming yourself for decisions, dictated by difficult children’s experience, and take responsibility for the present and future?
Adult children of toxic parents often regret what they did or, conversely, did not dare to do. Realize how much time and effort they spent, justifying other people’s expectations, fulfilling the desires of others. Making decisions for the sake of others, they chose the wrong university, the wrong partner, and the wrong clothing style. Refused love, friendship, beloved business.
How to move on, when you understand that you can no longer return and do a different way? How to withstand this bitter truth and how to get by?
The goal is to survive
A small child cannot defeat a toxic parent, he is still too weak, and for disobedience he will be punished. Therefore, he acts as a mother or father wants. At such moments, the psyche tries to defend himself – the child “forgets” about his “wrong”, that is, inconvenient for the parent, desires, and displaces them.
Forgetting about them, we feel relief – if we constantly remember the sacrifice brought, suffering will never stop. If you “forget” about yourself and obey the will of the parent, then everything will become easier. True, the existence will lose its colors and joy. But then there is an opportunity to survive.
The submissive child is less scolded and beat, they do not deprive him of food, he is allowed to walk, sometimes they buy something. This is a forced, but profitable deal. Like in prison – cooperate with overseers, and get some bonuses and protection.
Survival strategies
1. Symbiosis. The baby is in symbiosis with parents, completely depends on them and does not know how to live independently. The parent subtly feels the child, and the child also subtly feels the parent and adapts to him.
In the process of « adjustment » for parents, the child refuses that they do not like. With a fairly good mother and dad, he receives love and care in return. In the case of toxic parents, the child refuses the necessary – his liveliness, spontaneity, attractiveness, independence and talents – without receiving anything in response.
The conflict intensifies with the onset of puberty-this happens at 10-13 years old, when natural forces awaken in a girl or young man. Toxic adults are afraid of this and strangling such manifestations by all means in order to prevent the child from growing independent, so that he remains in symbiosis
with them, does not develop, was their servant. Therefore, the appearance, interest in the opposite sex, the body and independence are subjected to repressions.
2. Split. If the child is pressed too much, he as if splitting his “I”, separating the parts from himself that father or mother does not like. And then « forgets » about them. They scare the child himself because they can cause a conflict with the parent. The child is afraid to « remember » them and sometimes even tries to destroy them.
An example of an unconscious solution found by one girl who dreams of skating like Medvedev and Zagitova: “I ride skates well, and the coach advises me to give me to a good sports school of figure skating.
Mom is against and screams every day, so you need to refuse school. I can ride a specially bad and stop like the coach. If it does not help, I can break my leg. It will hurt, but mom will stop screaming at everyone « .
